I'm back....with a big long post

OK...so I have forsaken my blog for many a month for a couple reasons. First, Facebook is just so much easier and there is less pressure to be profound. Second, I frankly haven't felt like writing about all that's been going on because it hasn't been very fun, let alone something I want to relive in words.

But...


Something just dawned on me as I was cleaning the bathroom. (I know...weird. But my brain just never shuts off so when I'm doing something that doesn't require much concentration I tend to have small epiphanies.)

Over the past couple of years I've been struggling a lot with my "spiritual walk" as they say (I don't really like that term as it is so overused, but anyway). It perhaps began when I got pregnant with Betsy, simply because I was tired and sick for so long that I just gave up doing much besides surviving, and then, once she was born, it was back to just surviving again since we weren't sleeping, EVER.

Then, just as I was starting to come out of the new mom fog, my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we lost her only 11 months later. Then we decided to move from Grand Rapids, where we'd lived and set down roots for 10 years, and resettle in the Cincinnati area for Myron's new job. This wasn't a bad thing, but it was stressful and another loss....of familiarity, of our church and church family, etc. It also meant 3 months of single parenting while we tried to sell the house in GR and Myron worked in Cincy. More simply surviving.

We were barely settled when we had another difficult loss. Myron's father passed away suddenly. On the heels of that we decided to stop dragging our feet on having another child, feeling that new life was what we all needed right now. We got pregnant right away and were so excited. We were able to tell Myron's family all at the same time at our big Detweiler reunion. Betsy was excited and was already trying to communicate with her new sibling through my belly button.

Then came another hit. At 11 weeks, I miscarried. It was horrible and gut-wrenching, but we tried again right away, feeling it was a fluke. Then, Halloween weekend I miscarried again, at only 5 weeks.Frankly, by this time I was a little...no...a LOT upset with God.

I know intellectually that God didn't DO all this TO me and that a lot of people have a lot worse things happen and are still sure of God's love. But emotionally, I was, and to some extent, still am, kind of numb. It's hard to let myself feel because when I do it all just hurts too much. It's easier to go through the motions and pretend to be okay. It's easier not to engage with God because I'm not sure what to say to Him.

Okay, all that to say that I heard a bit of that still, small voice today while I was cleaning the bathroom. (Guess He's still talking to me, even if the only time He can get my attention is when I'm scrubbing toothpaste splatters off the mirror.) I have one of those little flip things with quotes on it in the bathroom, mostly because it matches the decor. The quote said something about realizing that our life's purpose is to be transformed into being like Christ so that even crisis can be a welcome thing, if it helps us accomplish that purpose. Now, I am not suddenly thrilled with all that has happened in the last few years. But as I thought about that quote I heard that verse, "You are not your own. You were bought with a price, so honor God with your bodies." Then I realized...that verse doesn't say, "Only if your body is well and healthy and full of energy and sure of God and yourself and all is well, amen." It just says, "honor Him." Period. Which is a relief, because right now, body, soul, and mind, I don't feel like I have much to give. But that doesn't mean that God isn't still working in me or growing me and it doesn't mean that I can't still honor Him, even in my weakness. Actually, I think He says something about Him working BETTER in our weakness. Oh yeah. I forgot.

It also made me realize that even the sick bodies of Grandma and Dad D. honored God, both in their lives and deaths. My body can continue to honor God, and be shaped by him, not only in spite of my struggles, but also BECAUSE of them.

Anyhow...

This is a nice big ramble to come back with, eh? But I'm hoping that by taking the first step to write even when I don't feel like it that God can help me get out of this funk. I'm seeing small glimmers here and there, more than I have in awhile. So here goes nothing. We'll see where it takes me.

And if you've read this far, thanks for trudging along with me. I can use all the friends I can get right now. :)

At Nowhere Farm Under the Betsy Moon

Last Saturday we spent a beautiful evening with Auntie Karin and Uncle Linford at their farm. Betsy has really come to love them now that we see them more often. She especially latched on to her Aunt Karin and later in the evening asked her to come sit on the swing with her. While they sat on the porch swing, (Karin told me later) Betsy had a heart-to-heart with her Auntie:

Betsy: Our baby died. And I'll never get to hold it. But Mommy and Daddy are going to make a new one and it will probably peek around the door when I'm going potty. It will probably watch me doing it.

Now how's that for poignant and hilarious and random all at the same time! We all had a pretty big laugh over that and also thought it was so precious that she would take Auntie Karin off by herself and talk this over with her.


Chatting on the swing


Watching the full pink moon rise over Nowhere Farm. Auntie Karin dubbed it the Betsy Moon in honor of seeing with Betsy Boo.


Under the light of the Betsy Moon...


Betsy just looked at this picture and sang "We're seein' the Betsy Moon!"

What a precious time. We feel so thankful to have such wonderful family and to finally live close enough to visit like this! :)

I love my girl...

Betsy just saw a spider way up on one of our living room windows. Here's her reaction:

B: "Look there's a spider WAY up there! There's spiders all over the place!"

Me: "How do you think it got all the way up there?"

B: "I don't know! [A look of deep thought on her face] It's a clue!"

Me: "Is it a mystery?"

B: "Yes! Maybe it climbed up some stairs? It has really strong legs to get all the way up there!"

She's really into clues and mystery right now...the other day she said she was a "ta-tech-tive" (detective). :)

The first ponytail she ever left in for more than 15 mintues...she actually kept it in for a good hour!

My Own Special Place

For Betsy, her own special place seems to be this laundry basket. She likes to put it over her head and sit in it while she watches TV. Funny, funny girl!

Cooking with Betsy

Betsy likes cooking with us so much that today she asked to play with flour. I gave her a little and some bowls and spoons. She said she was making muffins and was adding baking powder, etc. She got embarrassed when I started filming her so I didn't catch her really cute baking instructions, but it's fun anyway!

Some Betsy Happiness

Here are some recent Betsy antics...it's hard to be too sad with this funny gal around!

Crazy face!

Finding out what the big blue frog sounds like at the Newport Aquarium

Riding the blue frog!

Playing Legos with Uncle Joel

Mmmmm...I love smoothies

Betsy in her very first carnival ride...the spinning apples. She loved this but screamed in terror the entire time we rode the "Crazy School Bus."

I love my Daddy!

My Precious Little Girl

More from Betsy on our loss...I want to record these so I don't forget...

The baby's Mommy and Daddy really miss it.

I said, Yes, we really miss the baby and we don't understand why it happened. Sometimes it just happens.

With a quiver in her voice she said, "I'll never hold the baby."

She really does understand more than we know.

Just now she said, "I'll find another baby." She found a dried bean on the floor (from some we let her play with awhile back) and said, "It's the size of a bean now."

She wants so much to make things better...sweet girl.

Betsy's Perspective

I talked to Betsy today about the miscarriage, telling her simply that something happened and the baby died and went to heaven to live with Jesus. She's been processing this all day and here are some of her precious little gems:

After telling her the baby went to heaven: "But it will be back soon." Then she picked a flower outside and said, "I picked a flower to help the baby come back."

I told her that we would pray that God would send us another baby. After I had been in the kitchen and came back in the room she said, "Is there a new baby in there yet?" (This one actually makes me laugh pretty heartily.)

Tonight she piped up out of the blue and told Myron, "Mommy said the baby died." We talked about the baby being with Grandpa Detweiler and that Jesus was taking good care of it.

At bedtime I prayed with her and we prayed that Jesus would take good care of the baby. She said, "But it's not here. We'll make another one. We'll make it's toes and it's head. When the sun comes up I will draw a new one."

I'm glad she's working through it in her own way...she obviously feels comfortable enough to talk about it with us, which is really good and she seems to feel sad in her own way, and yet is also very positive about it too. She is such a healing presence to us right now...you can't stay too sad with those sparkling eyes and giggles around. We thank God for her...our precious little gift that we are even more thankful for now.

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The Club I Never Wanted to Join

This weekend we were initiated into a club that we never wanted to be a part of. Thursday afternoon I began spotting and just as it seemed to be stopping it began again. Early Saturday morning I began having terrible cramps that felt like labor. We spent from 6:30 to 11:30 am in the ER where they confirmed our worst fears. I had miscarried. The ultrasound indicated that the baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks.

We are full of so many mixed emotions. We are terribly sad. We are so thankful for our little Betsy who has been so loving and encouraging, although she doesn't know what has happened. We are unsure of what to tell her so that she will understand. We've been surrounded by so much love from our friend and family and our Father in heaven. I go from wanting to stay in bed and cry all day and wanting to get up and go enjoy the rest of my summer and have fun with Betsy and try to move on. Part of me longs to get pregnant again as soon as I'm healed and another part of me is terrified of the possibility of going through this again.

What else do you say. "God's grace is sufficient for me." That's what we will cling to.

Snapshots of July

Just a few highlights of our July for your viewing enjoyment....


Betsy in her brand new ladybug sandbox.


Sandy toes


Found this guy crawling out of our drain on the side of the house. Then I startled him and he slipped down inside. I felt bad....hope he could crawl back out!


Betsy's sidewalk chalk ladybug drawing. She found a ladybug and studied it carefully and drew it's portrait. I think she's going to be an artist.



Daddy showing off his muscles during a hike at the forest preserve.


Betsy at one of her favorite places...the playground.


Betsy and dandelions in the back yard.


Basketful of cuteness



A game we like to call "Big Fish." Myron says, "Look at this huge fish I caught." Betsy yells, "Get the camera!" :)


Enjoying an evening jog around Grandma and Grandpa's backyard.


Sunning herself at Grandma and Grandpa's house


Taking a ride, sporting my Thomas the Tank Engine shades.

Official Blog Announcement

Most of you who read this already know this, but here is the official Fleet Angel Blessings announcement:

We found out in early June that Betsy is going to be a big sister! (Sorry, I stole the t-shirt picture idea from my sister-in-law Wendy who is expecting too!)

Official due date is February 20. Betsy's cousin Jake is scheduled to become a big brother around March 6 and Betsy's cousins Luke and Lauren are going to have a new sibling around the same time too! New cousins all around!!! How fun!

Full House

A week and a half ago the Detweiler Reunion Extravaganza 2008 converged on the greater Cincinnati area. We had 18 out of the 20 people attending sleeping in our house the first night!

Two on couches
Two on the living room floor
Two on a blowup bed in the office
Three in one guest room
Three in another guest room
Four in Betsy's room, including Grandma Ruth in her walk-in closet (She WANTED to be in there, I promise you!)
And us in our big ol' king size bed that we offered to everyone else but no one would take. They are all way too nice! :)

It was a really great time. The Detweilers are one of those rare families that really enjoys getting together and doesn't have a whole bunch of nasty tension and whispering behind each others' back...you know...the stuff that makes us glad that holidays only come once a year. As brother-in-law Linford said once, "We are not a perfect family, but we are a beautiful family."

On Friday everyone arrived and hung out at our place, eating a big pot of soup in shifts as they arrived and enjoying getting caught up.

Saturday we dodged storms and ended up with a lovely, but muggy, four hours at the forest preserve picnicing, playing frisbee, hiking and foraging for blackberries and mullberries. Betsy rode on Uncle Conrad's shoulders for awhile (which was a big deal...she really warmed up to her aunts and uncles) and picked mullberries from the trees. She had juice all over his head. Wish I'd had my camera. Then the sky got dark, the wind began to blow and the thunder rolled. Myron decided we better pack up. Just as we got the last of the stuff loaded up it began to pour like a monsoon...whew...good timing.

On Sunday we caravaned over to Linford and Karin's Nowhere Farm for another lovely day of picnicing. Jonathan conducted a little church service for us and we took some time to remember Dad with tears and laughter, wishing he could be there too.

We had a really precious and fun time...it went so well we're considering having Christmas here too! :)


Here are some pics:


Grandma Ruth and Conrad chatting on the couch,while others gather around the table and the kids play.

A few of Betsy's cousins (she said for three weeks before they came, "My cousins are coming any second now!"): Michael, Jon, Seth, Hannah, and Jesse.


Betsy dressed in her cute overalls and ready for a day at the park with her cousins.

Betsy and Katie enjoying some Saturday morning cartoons together.


Kathy, Donna and Peter chatting after Friday supper.

Katie and her Daddy, Jon



Two of Betsy's best buds, cousins Rachel and Katie--on our way to Nowhere Farm (Uncle Linford and Auntie Karin's house)

The oldest cousin, Michael, investigating some leaves with the youngest.

Stayin' cool in the shades


Grandma, Kathy and Donna chatting after our picnic lunch.



Betsy surveying the land at Nowhere Farm.


Caught Michael eating...


Uncle Peter resting his hurt foot.


A lovely picnic under the sheltering shade of ancient trees.


Auntie Karin preparing a grand feast

Auntie Donna and cousin Katie

There were monkeys in them there trees!


Betsy admiring Auntie Karin's pretty necklace.


Three out of four Detweiler brothers posed for this picture: Myron, Jonathan and Linford

Seth and David high above the world.


Betsy popping bubbles with Rachel


Betsy loves Linford and Karin's kitty Saul...she and Jesse were hanging out with him after lunch.

Playing the big ol' grand piano.

Maybe she'll take after her uncles?


Jesse, Hannah, Conrad and Kathy enjoying some of Linford's art books.