Thursday, March 05, 2009
Something just dawned on me as I was cleaning the bathroom. (I know...weird. But my brain just never shuts off so when I'm doing something that doesn't require much concentration I tend to have small epiphanies.)
Over the past couple of years I've been struggling a lot with my "spiritual walk" as they say (I don't really like that term as it is so overused, but anyway). It perhaps began when I got pregnant with Betsy, simply because I was tired and sick for so long that I just gave up doing much besides surviving, and then, once she was born, it was back to just surviving again since we weren't sleeping, EVER.
Then, just as I was starting to come out of the new mom fog, my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we lost her only 11 months later. Then we decided to move from Grand Rapids, where we'd lived and set down roots for 10 years, and resettle in the Cincinnati area for Myron's new job. This wasn't a bad thing, but it was stressful and another loss....of familiarity, of our church and church family, etc. It also meant 3 months of single parenting while we tried to sell the house in GR and Myron worked in Cincy. More simply surviving.
We were barely settled when we had another difficult loss. Myron's father passed away suddenly. On the heels of that we decided to stop dragging our feet on having another child, feeling that new life was what we all needed right now. We got pregnant right away and were so excited. We were able to tell Myron's family all at the same time at our big Detweiler reunion. Betsy was excited and was already trying to communicate with her new sibling through my belly button.
Then came another hit. At 11 weeks, I miscarried. It was horrible and gut-wrenching, but we tried again right away, feeling it was a fluke. Then, Halloween weekend I miscarried again, at only 5 weeks.Frankly, by this time I was a little...no...a LOT upset with God.
I know intellectually that God didn't DO all this TO me and that a lot of people have a lot worse things happen and are still sure of God's love. But emotionally, I was, and to some extent, still am, kind of numb. It's hard to let myself feel because when I do it all just hurts too much. It's easier to go through the motions and pretend to be okay. It's easier not to engage with God because I'm not sure what to say to Him.
Okay, all that to say that I heard a bit of that still, small voice today while I was cleaning the bathroom. (Guess He's still talking to me, even if the only time He can get my attention is when I'm scrubbing toothpaste splatters off the mirror.) I have one of those little flip things with quotes on it in the bathroom, mostly because it matches the decor. The quote said something about realizing that our life's purpose is to be transformed into being like Christ so that even crisis can be a welcome thing, if it helps us accomplish that purpose. Now, I am not suddenly thrilled with all that has happened in the last few years. But as I thought about that quote I heard that verse, "You are not your own. You were bought with a price, so honor God with your bodies." Then I realized...that verse doesn't say, "Only if your body is well and healthy and full of energy and sure of God and yourself and all is well, amen." It just says, "honor Him." Period. Which is a relief, because right now, body, soul, and mind, I don't feel like I have much to give. But that doesn't mean that God isn't still working in me or growing me and it doesn't mean that I can't still honor Him, even in my weakness. Actually, I think He says something about Him working BETTER in our weakness. Oh yeah. I forgot.
It also made me realize that even the sick bodies of Grandma and Dad D. honored God, both in their lives and deaths. My body can continue to honor God, and be shaped by him, not only in spite of my struggles, but also BECAUSE of them.
This is a nice big ramble to come back with, eh? But I'm hoping that by taking the first step to write even when I don't feel like it that God can help me get out of this funk. I'm seeing small glimmers here and there, more than I have in awhile. So here goes nothing. We'll see where it takes me.
And if you've read this far, thanks for trudging along with me. I can use all the friends I can get right now. :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Betsy: Our baby died. And I'll never get to hold it. But Mommy and Daddy are going to make a new one and it will probably peek around the door when I'm going potty. It will probably watch me doing it.
Now how's that for poignant and hilarious and random all at the same time! We all had a pretty big laugh over that and also thought it was so precious that she would take Auntie Karin off by herself and talk this over with her.
Chatting on the swing
Watching the full pink moon rise over Nowhere Farm. Auntie Karin dubbed it the Betsy Moon in honor of seeing with Betsy Boo.
Under the light of the Betsy Moon...
Betsy just looked at this picture and sang "We're seein' the Betsy Moon!"
What a precious time. We feel so thankful to have such wonderful family and to finally live close enough to visit like this! :)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
B: "Look there's a spider WAY up there! There's spiders all over the place!"
Me: "How do you think it got all the way up there?"
B: "I don't know! [A look of deep thought on her face] It's a clue!"
Me: "Is it a mystery?"
B: "Yes! Maybe it climbed up some stairs? It has really strong legs to get all the way up there!"
She's really into clues and mystery right now...the other day she said she was a "ta-tech-tive" (detective). :)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Betsy likes cooking with us so much that today she asked to play with flour. I gave her a little and some bowls and spoons. She said she was making muffins and was adding baking powder, etc. She got embarrassed when I started filming her so I didn't catch her really cute baking instructions, but it's fun anyway!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The baby's Mommy and Daddy really miss it.
I said, Yes, we really miss the baby and we don't understand why it happened. Sometimes it just happens.
With a quiver in her voice she said, "I'll never hold the baby."
She really does understand more than we know.
Just now she said, "I'll find another baby." She found a dried bean on the floor (from some we let her play with awhile back) and said, "It's the size of a bean now."
She wants so much to make things better...sweet girl.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
After telling her the baby went to heaven: "But it will be back soon." Then she picked a flower outside and said, "I picked a flower to help the baby come back."
I told her that we would pray that God would send us another baby. After I had been in the kitchen and came back in the room she said, "Is there a new baby in there yet?" (This one actually makes me laugh pretty heartily.)
Tonight she piped up out of the blue and told Myron, "Mommy said the baby died." We talked about the baby being with Grandpa Detweiler and that Jesus was taking good care of it.
At bedtime I prayed with her and we prayed that Jesus would take good care of the baby. She said, "But it's not here. We'll make another one. We'll make it's toes and it's head. When the sun comes up I will draw a new one."
I'm glad she's working through it in her own way...she obviously feels comfortable enough to talk about it with us, which is really good and she seems to feel sad in her own way, and yet is also very positive about it too. She is such a healing presence to us right now...you can't stay too sad with those sparkling eyes and giggles around. We thank God for her...our precious little gift that we are even more thankful for now.
Monday, August 04, 2008
We are full of so many mixed emotions. We are terribly sad. We are so thankful for our little Betsy who has been so loving and encouraging, although she doesn't know what has happened. We are unsure of what to tell her so that she will understand. We've been surrounded by so much love from our friend and family and our Father in heaven. I go from wanting to stay in bed and cry all day and wanting to get up and go enjoy the rest of my summer and have fun with Betsy and try to move on. Part of me longs to get pregnant again as soon as I'm healed and another part of me is terrified of the possibility of going through this again.
What else do you say. "God's grace is sufficient for me." That's what we will cling to.